Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Why - oh why - didn't I take Auto Mechanics in school...

I hate vehicles! With as much fiery passion as I hate a not-to-be-named-evil-mega-store-starting-with-a-"W" (different post for a different day) I hate my minivan. Let me tell you it is definitely not the "minivan that drives like a sports car" right now (true sales pitch for the Mazda MPV Minivan when we bought the sucker about 6 years ago). More like a "minivan that moves like an old biddy with a walker" on the highway.

Last week I had the emissions test done on the minivan. This is something you have to do in Tennessee before paying the annual registration fee. I think it is all a farce and is a way for the state to embezzle $9 per vehicle - genius!

Anyway - all was fine til I started to get on the interstate. I was pressing the gas, the engine was "revving", but the speed was not increasing - lovely! I was able to get to about 50 miles per hour and had about 3 semis coming up behind me - again, lovely. Thankfully, my exit was the next one down so I was able to make it without too many people honking their horns at me (I've got your license plate numbers suckers - not sure what I'll do with them, but I'll figure something out).

So - after an hour long visit to the dealership the very nice head of the service department (not being a smart a** here, he really is nice - must be some sort of mutated dealership employee) told me the bad news. Vanessa (the girls' nickname for the minivan) needed a boob job and a tummy tuck - ok - not really - but that would be what I would consider the equivalent of a new transmission.

As the cost of this overhaul almost knocked me over, I thought I would be a bit more creative in retelling that part of the story. Here goes:

A new transmission for Vanessa equals:

1. 7 pairs of brand new Jimmy Choo shoes
2. 700 boxes of Starbuck's Refresh Tazo tea bags
3. 10 Kate Spade Tarrytown Samson purses
4. 40 American Girl dolls
5. 1 lower level 2008 Super Bowl ticket
6. 35 one-hour-long messages
7. 9 iPhones
8. 5 Wii Customer Choice Bundles

Happy Birthday, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year's, Happy Valentine's Day, Happy St. Patrick's Day, Happy Easter, Happy Mother's Day and Happy 4th of July 2007, 2008, 2009 & 2010 to me!

Why, oh why - didn't I go to a vocational school and learn the amazing skill of auto mechanics. I just HAD to have that Public Relations & Psychology degree! Dang it!


carla said...


your degree is such a gift!

you can gently talk vanessa through her entire ordeal.

be sure she feels OK with it all.


crumbs said...

Of course, you could kill two birds with one stone and literally run your errands.

channelmarker said...

Hilarious, not your pain, your ability to make such a horrid experience enjoyable for the rest of us. Not to mention, make us believe our day was now MARVELOUS!!
Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

I'm loving those Jimmy Choo shoes...