Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Getting Old

My husband is sitting nearby, strumming his guitar and watching hockey. It is about 8:30 and the sounds of it all go right through me. The hockey announcers are about to cause me to have an anxiety attack with their choppy, panic inducing words. The guitar- well, I feel bad. It was my idea to get it back out so that Harry could be exposed to it. My sweet Muffin is working on two of my favorite songs - and yet I want to pull my hair out while jumping off of the roof! I think what I had in mind for the guitar was for it to be played during normal hours. Muffin complains that it is only 8:30.
When did 8:30 become late? I used to start getting ready for the evening at 8:30, with the music cranked up! I used to know what Jay Leno looked like. I used to wear tank tops to bars in winter. Did I know a few years back that all of that "craziness" would be short lived? The strangest part of all is that it wasn't that long ago. If I knew then what I know now, I would have worn more bikinis, stayed awake later, traveled more.
I am not sure I know anyone who actually went out on New Years Eve this year. That includes childless couples and those who are single. Okay, I lied. My friend Andrew's 50-something parents have been partying lock rock stars. I went to a mountain resort in the poconos but didn't stay up late enough to see Dick Clarke.
There is a show currently on TV called How I Met Your Mother. It is quirky and I like it and odds are it will be cancelled. Regardless, it reminds me of my post college days, hanging out with a small group of friends in the bars of Baltimore. I guess in a way, those days seemed like vacation. We had just finished a busy phase in our lives, and we were hanging out for a while, preparing for the next one. Of course, I didn't have the cash to travel throughout Europe, and I didn't have the money for a personal trainer. I had to go to sleep at some point so I could wake up and make a name for myself in business world. Still...
The next phase is here for me, and it's not what I expected. I like staying home with my son. I am not that ambitious at work. It is kind of okay that I can barely run a 10 minute mile. I would never have imagines that slowing down could sustain me.
My biggest worry is that everything I have worked so hard for could be taken away in an instant. I guess that worry is a lot to manage. Maybe that is what makes me want to go to bed at 9:30, instead of gettig a sitter to watch Harry sleep so that I can hit the bars...or an 8:30 kick boxing class, for that matter!
I was 30 when Harry was born. I'd had plenty of time to have fun, and I think I did a fair job of that. It's time for me to be a soccer mom now. I love my little house. I want to fill it with furniture from Pottery Barn kids. I love my mini-van (but I did get a stealie for it). Rather than taking advantage of some free time, Kevin and I both take Harry to his gymnastics class, his swim class, out for his bike rides and to his room for his 2 hour bedtime rituals. I guess it is not so bad to be responsible at the moment. I guess, in the words of my father, that's what you do. Besides, I can party like a rock star when I'm 50.


Kimberly said...

Yes, I am commenting on my own post. I can't control myself. But- click on the How I Met Your Mother link and check out Barney's Blog. It's very funny. I am not entirely sure why. It is though!

The MOM said...

It's funny that you posted this today, because I was just thinking about many of the same issues last night as I gave my daughter her bath. Life has changed so much in the past three years, and while I miss my old life (sometimes very much; sometimes not at all), I wouldn't trade what I have now for the world.

Like you, I had my entire 20s to kick back and relax, party, and travel. But I find it much harder now to redefine myself as a mom. Part of it is that I had a very non-traditional mom (for the time) -- older, career-focused -- so now I have to figure out what kind of mom role I am comfortable (and happy) with. You would think that I would have figured this out after almost three-and-a-half years.

Kimberly said...

I was hoping by 3 1/2 years I will figure out my own role, but maybe it is just ever evolving. I still have trouble thinking of myself as a mom, and I think that may be because of the way the role is defined by society---or at least magazines. SOmehow, i identify more with dads...but my husband seems to do just find with the mom role! I can say that everything I do, I do with Harry in mind (notice I can't just say "my son"), even if I am out running solo, or getting my hair highlighted, or having lunch with friends. Those things are for Harry too, because it inevitably makes me a better mom, and allows me to help him to be his own person. I think I may have different goals then some of my relatives, even. I guess we all put a different emphasis on different things. I do love to hear his little voice say "mommy" over the monitor bright and early each morning though!

Heather said...

I like your sentiment. You're actually making me feel better about falling asleep on the couch at 8:30 last night... because I did travel a lot before Holden was born. Of course I didn't realize how bikini-worthy I was until I'm not anymore.

Alas, you'll never be younger than you are right now. :)

Kimberly said...

Question for Heather or other moms out there, especially if you may have had a C-section (related to future bikini wearing): do you have "stuff" under your skin that perhaps used to be muscle but no longer feels attached to your body? I do plenty of Pilates, ran a marathon, work out with a trainer...unless I can wear a girdle with my bikini, I feel I will be wearing board shorts over my suit for some time to come. I just don't know what this gush isn't even like normal fat! What is it???? And is IT responsible for my being in MY BED by 9 last night?
P.S. I just ate an Espresso 2X caffeine Gu. I am not running. I am on a teleconference. I am awake but that's it. Shouldn't the effects be more extreme? I wonder...